God is crazy about you. He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning. Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen. He can live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart. He is always right here with you, no matter who you are, no matter where you've been, no matter what your circumstance. He promises to always love you. And God never breaks a promise.
This Truly made my day. I think it makes me feel wanted again. I Know he loves me and all,but this reminder helped a lot. THANKS MRS.IRIS!!
Friday, June 4, 2010
Monday, May 31, 2010
I tried to be perfect,I tried to be honest,I tried to be everything you ever wanted.
So yeah. My parents made me feel like absolute crap today.
I'm SO SICK of them telling me to be like my brother. It's like he's their freaking golden child and I was the mistake. Apparently I'm useless and worthless because that's ALL they ever talk about. How Jake does SOOOO much more and he has a job and he goes to work and he's the fricken king or the fricken world while I'm just a lazy ass [excuse my french] without a goal for my life. They probably think I'll end up in their basement the rest of my life. When they talk to their friends it's Always about Jake,Jake this,Jake that. No I don't blame my brother for this,he's a great guy and he does a lot of good things but FOR REAL my parents need to learn how to treat their middle child.Cause they make me feel like dirt. They make me feel like I'm not worth their time,which makes me think about other things that I really don't need to be thinking about. Like,would they really miss me if I was gone? Would they even care?I really don't think so.
Okay,so they aren't HORRIBLE. They do a LOT of nice things for me. But when they strike blows,it's not just a flesh wound. It digs deep and sting and burns like nobodies business. There are always scars left and their words replay in my head over and over until I go insane. Yeah I know I can be stupid sometimes,but that's kinda my job. I'm here to learn,dear Parental units, I'm here to make mistakes and learn from them. Not have you tell me what a stupid ass I am and how I'll never get a job or pay for a car or get into college or start a family or anything. I'm so sick of being torn down by MY OWN FAMILY. You're supposed to love me but, all I hear are insults pounding in my ears.I'm not saying that you put the razor in my hands,I'm saying you put the thoughts in my head in the first place. The self worthlessness,the hatred of my being. I should love being who I am around you but, you make me feel stupid,family, you make me feel like a nerd in the worst possible way. No I'm not adorable,I'm just silly or need to grow up.Do you have any idea how much self-hatred it takes to put that thought into someones head? I do. And then you make fun of cutting in front of me,I know you don't know but,parents,some people really DO hurt like that,I really hurt like that. So lastly dear,family. I need you to understand how much you make me hurt sometimes and how much other people hurt all the times. Those other people that burn,cut and other horrible things. It's because people make them feel worthless,like you do me. Be lucky,parental units, that I have wonderful friends that build me up,that I have a God that helps me when I'm hurt. Because I feel as though I would be dead right now without them ad if you ever read this.You'd think I was being overly dramatic. Because..you don't understand.
~Aurora
I'm SO SICK of them telling me to be like my brother. It's like he's their freaking golden child and I was the mistake. Apparently I'm useless and worthless because that's ALL they ever talk about. How Jake does SOOOO much more and he has a job and he goes to work and he's the fricken king or the fricken world while I'm just a lazy ass [excuse my french] without a goal for my life. They probably think I'll end up in their basement the rest of my life. When they talk to their friends it's Always about Jake,Jake this,Jake that. No I don't blame my brother for this,he's a great guy and he does a lot of good things but FOR REAL my parents need to learn how to treat their middle child.Cause they make me feel like dirt. They make me feel like I'm not worth their time,which makes me think about other things that I really don't need to be thinking about. Like,would they really miss me if I was gone? Would they even care?I really don't think so.
Okay,so they aren't HORRIBLE. They do a LOT of nice things for me. But when they strike blows,it's not just a flesh wound. It digs deep and sting and burns like nobodies business. There are always scars left and their words replay in my head over and over until I go insane. Yeah I know I can be stupid sometimes,but that's kinda my job. I'm here to learn,dear Parental units, I'm here to make mistakes and learn from them. Not have you tell me what a stupid ass I am and how I'll never get a job or pay for a car or get into college or start a family or anything. I'm so sick of being torn down by MY OWN FAMILY. You're supposed to love me but, all I hear are insults pounding in my ears.I'm not saying that you put the razor in my hands,I'm saying you put the thoughts in my head in the first place. The self worthlessness,the hatred of my being. I should love being who I am around you but, you make me feel stupid,family, you make me feel like a nerd in the worst possible way. No I'm not adorable,I'm just silly or need to grow up.Do you have any idea how much self-hatred it takes to put that thought into someones head? I do. And then you make fun of cutting in front of me,I know you don't know but,parents,some people really DO hurt like that,I really hurt like that. So lastly dear,family. I need you to understand how much you make me hurt sometimes and how much other people hurt all the times. Those other people that burn,cut and other horrible things. It's because people make them feel worthless,like you do me. Be lucky,parental units, that I have wonderful friends that build me up,that I have a God that helps me when I'm hurt. Because I feel as though I would be dead right now without them ad if you ever read this.You'd think I was being overly dramatic. Because..you don't understand.
~Aurora
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Love me love me,say that you love me
I hav a new found love for techno and a new found song for my life at the moment. All because of one band
La roux.
They're freaking amazing. Elly Jackson has a voice and imagination like no other and her partner in crime Ben Langmaid has an amazing taste for beats.
So,Bullet proof is my song at the moment. She's basically saying,I've been hurt before,by you and others. But this time I'll be bullet proof. I won't let you hurt me. I'll be my on person.
The duos songs are inspiring and catchy. I can't wait to order the CD.
They have amazing style,and Elly has amazing hair. I can't wait to see more form them =3
YAY FOR HAPPINESS
Aurora
La roux.
They're freaking amazing. Elly Jackson has a voice and imagination like no other and her partner in crime Ben Langmaid has an amazing taste for beats.
So,Bullet proof is my song at the moment. She's basically saying,I've been hurt before,by you and others. But this time I'll be bullet proof. I won't let you hurt me. I'll be my on person.
The duos songs are inspiring and catchy. I can't wait to order the CD.
They have amazing style,and Elly has amazing hair. I can't wait to see more form them =3
YAY FOR HAPPINESS
Aurora
Saturday, May 15, 2010
We should get Jerseys cause we make a great team,though yours would look better than mine cause you're outta my league
Amazing..How one person can distract you from everything. How one person can make you feel this wanted. But yet you still feel unwanted and maybe a bit alone. Sure you get all this attention and you really think he wants to be around you and such but, you still feel a bit empty. Yes,empty. Sure Ive been working on my God stuff and it's going pretty well but,emptiness is still what I feel when I'm not with my friends...or him. I also feel really mean when I leave my small group of friends to talk to him. I still love them and want to be around them,it's just he draws me away somehow. He's magic or something,or maybe it's hormones or whatever.I think he may deserve better though,He doesn't really need all this crap that a relationship with me would pile on him.
I feel good most days but,my bad days are HORRIBLE it's like being the walking dead,except dead people can't intentionally hurt themselves and then not have it noticed by family. It's not like it's invisible the wounds are there,my family just chooses not to see them,chooses not to ask how it happened. It hurt. Yes the act of doing it but more so the people so close to me that I see them every morning noon and night,not noticing or not caring enough to ask. Yeah sure I would lie about it but still.....I want them to care.
Now I realize what I just told you,now I realize the disappointment that must be seething through you,the anger or the sadness maybe even a little pain of your own. God probably feels the same way,maybe I'm the cause of all this rain,maybe he's crying and yelling at me to stop doing this to myself.To tell you the truth,I was almost screaming at myself to stop. My knees went weak and I was sobbing.But,I convinced myself it was the only way. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm not perky,I'm not happy,I'm not this hyper person all the time. I'm not perfect and for this I apologize.Because you deserve perfection,the perfection I can't give you.
I feel good most days but,my bad days are HORRIBLE it's like being the walking dead,except dead people can't intentionally hurt themselves and then not have it noticed by family. It's not like it's invisible the wounds are there,my family just chooses not to see them,chooses not to ask how it happened. It hurt. Yes the act of doing it but more so the people so close to me that I see them every morning noon and night,not noticing or not caring enough to ask. Yeah sure I would lie about it but still.....I want them to care.
Now I realize what I just told you,now I realize the disappointment that must be seething through you,the anger or the sadness maybe even a little pain of your own. God probably feels the same way,maybe I'm the cause of all this rain,maybe he's crying and yelling at me to stop doing this to myself.To tell you the truth,I was almost screaming at myself to stop. My knees went weak and I was sobbing.But,I convinced myself it was the only way. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm not perky,I'm not happy,I'm not this hyper person all the time. I'm not perfect and for this I apologize.Because you deserve perfection,the perfection I can't give you.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
One foot wrong and you'll have to love me when I'm gone
Hey there
So yeah I haven't posted in a while and I thought I should.Though I really don't know what to talk about.
Hmmmmm Shall I start with last weekend? I think I shall.
So last weekend was this AMAZING battle of the bands..though...it wasn't really a battle... But it was awesome! I had sooo much fun and it felt good just to dance around and forget everything for a little bit.
Not that I'm saying that I don't feel like amazing already.But I feel like I'm at the edge though,one wrong step and I'll fall back into what I've been trying to keep away. One small pebble is all it would take to knock me off my balance and send me into the abyss of heartache and pain that God just pulled me out of. Sure,it's still there..but it doesn't hurt as much. It's like a cut that hasn't quite healed,sure it's still there and I can see it but the soap doesn't make it sting anymore.
There have been nights before that I've been like 'Screw this', but I ignored the little person in my head . The one that tells me I'm not pretty enough or worth anything.The voice that brought me to all of this in the first place. The one who told me it was all my fault and if I had been around more maybe he wouldn't have died. But I realized none of this is my fault..It's not my fault God has a plan for me that involved my brother dieing. No matter how much that hurts me..think of how much it hurts Him everyday to see the pain writhing inside of me. That pain that will always be there no matter how much fake-happiness I drown it in.
As I've said before.....there's this guy. He makes me so happy but,I can't help thinking that maybe this isn't right.Maybe I'm to young or God doesn't want any of this to be going on.But.....he planned it right? If he hadn't would it be happening? I don't think so. I guess it's just that I really can't stand to feel the hurt that comes with someone leaving but, if I just leave this, abandon it like the last few crumbs in a bag of chips.I'll never know what would've happened and I guess the pain is worth the price of seeing this through. Because I think he may be good for me. We definitely fit together. So many things we have in common but,what is he hiding? What am I hiding from him? I told him one of my secrets and I'm really not ready to let the world know about the other.No,I'm not afraid that the world will think I'm a mental case [anymore]. I just have problems telling people about MY problems. I want to be the person everyone talks too,not the person with all the trouble in her life. I really don't like to show weakness,it's a nasty habit of mine because really...who wants a girl that can't show a bit of sadness sometimes? On the outside I try to be happy-go-lucky tough-as-nails girl but inside..I'm crying like a kid who just lost track of her parents in a crowded place.
I guess we'll see how it plays out,huh folks? I wish life was less crazy,more understandable. But I guess it wouldn't be life worth living without a little chaos.
So yeah I haven't posted in a while and I thought I should.Though I really don't know what to talk about.
Hmmmmm Shall I start with last weekend? I think I shall.
So last weekend was this AMAZING battle of the bands..though...it wasn't really a battle... But it was awesome! I had sooo much fun and it felt good just to dance around and forget everything for a little bit.
Not that I'm saying that I don't feel like amazing already.But I feel like I'm at the edge though,one wrong step and I'll fall back into what I've been trying to keep away. One small pebble is all it would take to knock me off my balance and send me into the abyss of heartache and pain that God just pulled me out of. Sure,it's still there..but it doesn't hurt as much. It's like a cut that hasn't quite healed,sure it's still there and I can see it but the soap doesn't make it sting anymore.
There have been nights before that I've been like 'Screw this', but I ignored the little person in my head . The one that tells me I'm not pretty enough or worth anything.The voice that brought me to all of this in the first place. The one who told me it was all my fault and if I had been around more maybe he wouldn't have died. But I realized none of this is my fault..It's not my fault God has a plan for me that involved my brother dieing. No matter how much that hurts me..think of how much it hurts Him everyday to see the pain writhing inside of me. That pain that will always be there no matter how much fake-happiness I drown it in.
As I've said before.....there's this guy. He makes me so happy but,I can't help thinking that maybe this isn't right.Maybe I'm to young or God doesn't want any of this to be going on.But.....he planned it right? If he hadn't would it be happening? I don't think so. I guess it's just that I really can't stand to feel the hurt that comes with someone leaving but, if I just leave this, abandon it like the last few crumbs in a bag of chips.I'll never know what would've happened and I guess the pain is worth the price of seeing this through. Because I think he may be good for me. We definitely fit together. So many things we have in common but,what is he hiding? What am I hiding from him? I told him one of my secrets and I'm really not ready to let the world know about the other.No,I'm not afraid that the world will think I'm a mental case [anymore]. I just have problems telling people about MY problems. I want to be the person everyone talks too,not the person with all the trouble in her life. I really don't like to show weakness,it's a nasty habit of mine because really...who wants a girl that can't show a bit of sadness sometimes? On the outside I try to be happy-go-lucky tough-as-nails girl but inside..I'm crying like a kid who just lost track of her parents in a crowded place.
I guess we'll see how it plays out,huh folks? I wish life was less crazy,more understandable. But I guess it wouldn't be life worth living without a little chaos.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Have you ever thrown a fist-full of Glitter in the air?
So right now I'm going to crack open my head and let you see what's on the inside,believe me you might not want to read on =O
So this past Saturday was like the best day ever. I got to see my friends from church in the morning [Mission trip pancake thingy] and the got to a Lacrosse game[GO HALEIGH!] I didn't understand what was going on at all. And to put a proverbial 'Cherry on top' I got to Ruggerfest and see Zach play rugby [for like five seconds but whatever] and we talked for a really long time. I didn't think he'd want to talk to me in front of his friends but he did and it made me all happy. Justin was there too,they were both pretty surprised that we showed up.
Rugby is fierce and kinda scary,but so much fun to watch. The were like taking each other and running around,it was all very exciting. I don't think I'll ever be able to go to a boring old football game ever again.
I wish I had the guts to just sit down and tell Zach about my brother. It's just too weird that we were in the same kind of situation. His brother lived but,he knows what I went through.Theres just a really weird connection that I can't let go,I just need to tell him. But, everytime I play it out in my head I sound stupid and I'm afraid bringing it up will bring back bad memories for him...I really don't want to do that. I guess I'll just have to see how it all plays out tomorrow,let's hope it goes well.
And oh gosh,I almost forgot to tell you.Remember the guy I liked? Caleb..the one who never e-mailed me back cause he got a girlfriend. I just spoke to him and she's not his girlfriend at all and now he's all flirty again =P. Yeah I still want Zach a lot more but, what the heck am I supposed to do about this?
Life is alright right now,I'm still in a small state of depression,I'm still just struggling to get through each day but I think I'm getting better.Let's hope I 'm getting better. I guess the dollar bill says it best 'In God we trust' cause really He's the last thing I can trust in.
~Aurora
So this past Saturday was like the best day ever. I got to see my friends from church in the morning [Mission trip pancake thingy] and the got to a Lacrosse game[GO HALEIGH!] I didn't understand what was going on at all. And to put a proverbial 'Cherry on top' I got to Ruggerfest and see Zach play rugby [for like five seconds but whatever] and we talked for a really long time. I didn't think he'd want to talk to me in front of his friends but he did and it made me all happy. Justin was there too,they were both pretty surprised that we showed up.
Rugby is fierce and kinda scary,but so much fun to watch. The were like taking each other and running around,it was all very exciting. I don't think I'll ever be able to go to a boring old football game ever again.
I wish I had the guts to just sit down and tell Zach about my brother. It's just too weird that we were in the same kind of situation. His brother lived but,he knows what I went through.Theres just a really weird connection that I can't let go,I just need to tell him. But, everytime I play it out in my head I sound stupid and I'm afraid bringing it up will bring back bad memories for him...I really don't want to do that. I guess I'll just have to see how it all plays out tomorrow,let's hope it goes well.
And oh gosh,I almost forgot to tell you.Remember the guy I liked? Caleb..the one who never e-mailed me back cause he got a girlfriend. I just spoke to him and she's not his girlfriend at all and now he's all flirty again =P. Yeah I still want Zach a lot more but, what the heck am I supposed to do about this?
Life is alright right now,I'm still in a small state of depression,I'm still just struggling to get through each day but I think I'm getting better.Let's hope I 'm getting better. I guess the dollar bill says it best 'In God we trust' cause really He's the last thing I can trust in.
~Aurora
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Speechless,Breathless.
I'm scared
I'm scared I'm falling back in it again
I'm scared I'm going to be swallowed whole again
I'm scared of trying
I'm scared of failing
I'm scared of myself
I'm back to day two,literally.
No more day counting for me.
I'm trying to be strong and
I'm getting help but, it still seems like no one really understands.
I need rain,I need to sit in the rain and cry while it pours down,until I can feel it on the inside.
I'm tired of being afraid
I'm tired of feeling unloved and unwanted
I'm tired of feeling ugly
I'm tired of feeling useless
I'm tired of silently screaming
I'm tired of not being able to tell my closest friends the truth
I'm scared of What he'll think of me if he finds out I have problems
I'm scared of not being myself
I need help,I need help.
I scared myself last night,I wrote a poem about it and cried and cried. I have nicks on my wrist and I'm afraid for you to find out.Don't be disappointed,please.
I'm scared I'm falling back in it again
I'm scared I'm going to be swallowed whole again
I'm scared of trying
I'm scared of failing
I'm scared of myself
I'm back to day two,literally.
No more day counting for me.
I'm trying to be strong and
I'm getting help but, it still seems like no one really understands.
I need rain,I need to sit in the rain and cry while it pours down,until I can feel it on the inside.
I'm tired of being afraid
I'm tired of feeling unloved and unwanted
I'm tired of feeling ugly
I'm tired of feeling useless
I'm tired of silently screaming
I'm tired of not being able to tell my closest friends the truth
I'm scared of What he'll think of me if he finds out I have problems
I'm scared of not being myself
I need help,I need help.
I scared myself last night,I wrote a poem about it and cried and cried. I have nicks on my wrist and I'm afraid for you to find out.Don't be disappointed,please.
Monday, March 1, 2010
I just haven't met you yet.
Another attempt at poetry,I like this one a lot more than the other one though =3
Love is
Love is kind
Love is sweet
Love is you
Love is me
Love is God,in a spiritual sense
Love is life concentrated and condensed
Love is you
Love is me
Love is raindrops falling down
Love is such a deafening sound
Love is you
Love is me
Love is careless,fun and free
Love is a note hidden inside a tree
Love is you
Love is me
Love is sorrow,tears that drown
Love is the people who pick you up off the ground
Love is you
Love is me
Love is simple
Love is complex
Love is neither a spell nor a hex
Love comes from high above
drowning us in a warm symphony of feelings
Love.
Love is
Love is kind
Love is sweet
Love is you
Love is me
Love is God,in a spiritual sense
Love is life concentrated and condensed
Love is you
Love is me
Love is raindrops falling down
Love is such a deafening sound
Love is you
Love is me
Love is careless,fun and free
Love is a note hidden inside a tree
Love is you
Love is me
Love is sorrow,tears that drown
Love is the people who pick you up off the ground
Love is you
Love is me
Love is simple
Love is complex
Love is neither a spell nor a hex
Love comes from high above
drowning us in a warm symphony of feelings
Love.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Come set me Free,down on my knees
I just wanted to tell you that the message this week really hit home. I realized that I have been hiding behind a happy mask this whole time. I'm trying to get help for things but, I have no idea where to start. I feel like my whole world crashed down around me a few years ago and I'm not sure how to pick it up. I was just a kid when my little brother passed away,I just wasn't sure how to deal with it so I became the strong one and didn't let my feelings show. The whole time he was here I didn't know how to be around him,it's scared me..his disease scared me. So I ran at every possible second and now I regret at least half of my life. I'm not sure how to re-start things with God...I've been to so many different church events but it all really hit me at Supersummer last year and I didn't do anything about it. It hit me again last weekend and I'd really like to get some help with growing closer to God. Victoria and I talk a lot but, I'm not really sure how much more she can help me. I'm afraid to approach you in person and talk about these things,though I don't know why. I feel as if maybe I'm trying to be the strong happy person all over again,even though I'm broken inside. My family really doesn't understand my trust issues with God and everyone else says that it'll 'Make me a stronger person' but,when? When does everything start being actually good and happy again?I know I'm laying a crap load at your feet and I'm sorry,I just don't know where else to turn. I've had issues with letting my feelings out...hence the e-mail.
Again,sorry for dumping this on you but, it was a last resort..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don’t ever feel as though you need to apologize for being real. Ever. It is my honor to walk beside you through good times and bad times. I am so sorry that you are struggling with all of this. God wants you to draw near to Him. The reality is that sometimes in our lives that is a very difficult thing to do. I believe that God is very aware of how difficult it can be. He understands that we wrestle with things like loss and regret. He wants to heal our hurts and give us a new life of joy in him. I think your struggle with how to connect with God is honest and the very fact that you desire to come to Him despite some very troubled times in your life, speaks to the godly quality of your heart.
When we are scared, we act in fear. It is natural. When we are young we do not always understand what is happening when tragedy strikes. What you perceive as avoiding your brother was the way you could cope with the knowledge that you would lose him from your life. God wants you to release your guilt for that. You loved your brother. That is clear. Satan wants to attack you and make you feel like you were heartless for not spending more time with your brother. The truth is you were a scared little girl dealing with a very violent illness that was taking someone you love away. The loss of your brother did crash your world down. It would do that to anyone. What you have lived through at such a young age is so much more than your peers. It has made you more mature. It has caused you to reexamine your own life. That is not typical of most teens. God wants to help you move beyond the lies of inadequacy that Satan is hurling at you. Don’t live in the regret of what you think you could have done differently. Your response was completely appropriate. You were afraid. Even in the midst of that pain and frightfulness, God was there with you.
It is also normal to have trust issues with God. There are probably a lot of questions you have for God as you consider your brother’s life. It is okay to question His plan. He is a big enough God to let you have questions and still love you. It is really hard to understand why God does the things He does. In the end, we cling to the promises in His Word that He has a good plan for us. He never promises that it is a plan of constant happiness. Some of the giants of faith in the Old Testament lived through horrible things. Some of them even had major trust issues with God. But your loving Heavenly Father is patiently waiting for you. He wants to hold you and sing over you and give you peace and help you to trust Him. I believe God wants me to share a passage from Psalms with you. It is Psalm 34:15-22. It says:
The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous
and his ears toward their cry.
The face of the Lord is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.
When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears
and delivers them out of all their troubles.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.
Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
but the Lord delivers him out of them all.
He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.
Affliction will slay the wicked,
and those who hate the righteous will be condemned.
The Lord redeems the life of his servants;
none of those who take refuge in him will be condemned.
Kara, not only did your life come crashing down when your brother passed away but your heart broke. God is near to you. His Word promises that. He loves you. He wants you to leave the lies Satan is telling you about yourself behind. He is not condemning you. He loves you. He wants you to see yourself as He sees you. In his view you are not a girl who let her brother down when he needed her. You are not a girl who chose to hide when she should have spent more time with the one she loved. He sees you as you are in Him. A wonderful creation. A beautiful young lady whom He died for. He sees the real Kara in a way no one else can, and He loves her and wants to be close with her. He wants you to leave the regret of the past behind you and fall into His comforting arms and heal from your broken heart. He does promise to heal the broken hearted and bind up their wounds.
I would suggest that you begin to pray deeply. Tell God exactly how you feel. Be completely honest with Him. He can take it. Pour out your broken heart to Him. He wants to hear from you. He is waiting to comfort you. He is waiting for you to ask Him to forgive you. He is waiting for you to let go of the hurt and pain and to forgive yourself as well.
Then take time to really read His Word. I can give you some comforting passages if you would like. I think it is important for you to embrace His comfort and love for you right now. Jesus said that he wants us to come to him when we are tired and he will give us rest. He wants us to cast all our cares on Him. I think the first step you need to take is having a long, honest conversation with Him.
Kendra and I love you. We will love you no matter what is under your mask. We want to be here for you. Please don’t ever feel like you are being annoying or loading us down with your very real concerns. We are in your life so that you can come to us and be the real Kara anytime.
If you need to talk, feel free to call. Please don’t feel like you cannot come to me face to face. I am here to help you. I am here to listen if you need me to listen and here to talk when you need to talk. God wants to reconnect with you and I can sense your true heart’s desire is for the same. Spend time telling Him why it is hard for you and let Him know your desire to return to Him with your whole heart. We love you and are praying for you.
God’s Blessings,
Jasper
รจ
These two letters might have changed my life forever. I may not have the courage to tell my Youth Pastor that but,They have. I feel like I'm ready to live a more fulfilling life. I'm ready to live for Christ. I'm ready to let my pain break the mask on the outside,my shell will tumble to my feet and I will be alive. No longer I'm I inside a shell,my prison cell [THANK YOU SWITCHFOOT] I'M MORE ALIVE THEN EVER BEFORE. And for that I thank Jasper and Victoria and so many others. I'm so happy to be myself for once. I'm no longer going to be my happy hyper shell when I just can't push it anymore. If I'm feeling sad,I'll act that way. Same for happy and depressed and angry and everything else. I AM ME! I AM BEAUTIFUL AND I AM GOD'S CHILD. I will try not to be ashamed of who I am and What I look like. So I may have a bit of a pudge and my face and chest aren't perfect but, who is? Who doesn't have things they don't like about themselves. I will try to be proud of my faults,for they make me different. If guys have a problem with me,then whatever. I'm not changing myself for them.
I'm empowered and ready to go,hand me a Bible and a twenty-four pack of Code Red Mountain Dew and release me on this world. Oh yes you might be scared,I might be too. But I AM READY! I am so ready for the mission trip this summer.I'm ready to share this light with others,I'm ready to help others.
For so long I've focused on my stuff that I haven't even seen that my Best friend was hurting so deeply. I'm sorry I didn't notice,sorry I didn't ask,sorry that I can't help. Sorry that Satan has rested this on your back,sorry that God hasn't lifted it. Sorry I haven't been there for you,sorry for all the mean things I might've said,sorry for the scars that mark your arms as well as the ones on the inside. Sorry for not helping you stop. I love you and I'm sorry.
So release me on this world
No turning back now
For the time is right
and I'm going to fight
This battle WILL be won
My fate has already begun
God pushing me forward
Friends and family at my sides
For he is the King
And All should know
That this light within me
Is His,ergo
Sharing it is my 'Thank you'
This light will cross the world
I'm empowered,Strengthened
My Heart was broken before
Now it's repairing itself
With the light that's shining within me
He is helping me
There will be more tears
Maybe of Joy,not sorrow
Possible both
But,lets find out
Lets just wing this
Lets go.
My failing attempt at poetry,But whatever. Hope you enjoyed this look into my brain.
Peaces my Homie
Kara =P
Thursday, February 4, 2010
My darkest nights are days to you.
'My Darkest nights are days to you'
So deep and amazing. Sometimes I feel as if I have the worst problems in the world but, really I don't. My Dad could have lost his job,my Mom could be sending me to public school and so on. Realizing how good my life really is was hard but, it is so amazing sometimesWere other times it sucks completely.
So lets get on a flighty light topic today, Hmmmm
BOYS xDD yup,Boys.Lol teenage girls think about them all the time and I'm not an exception.
My friends have so politely told me [not] that they want m to go out with this guy,even though he's my brothers age [yuck]. So he's cute,his last name rules and he can make me laugh. But, really I don't like him like that. Also I'm afraid of getting into another Derrick or David situation. I don't want my heart broken again,even though it's impossible to break something that's not fixed yet. Ugh and the thought of kissing anyone makes me gag. I mean ick really? Call me immature but, would you want some guys tongue in your mouth? Sure I've dreamt about that perfect first kiss but, who really ever gets a perfect first kiss? Zach is nice and sweet,well to me at least, but I'm just not ready for any of that. No I most likely wouldn't turn him down if he asked me out but, I wouldn't ask him. So there you are,my one reader. The answer to your question,I don't like him all that much. Even though my IM status at the moment is 'If you asked me if I loved him,I'd lie' it's just from a song and doesn't mean anything.
CAN"T WAIT FOR DNOW. I'm so ready for a spiritual awakening and I'm ready to do something about it this time.
Dinner time is near so,Pip Pip cherrio xD
Aurora
So deep and amazing. Sometimes I feel as if I have the worst problems in the world but, really I don't. My Dad could have lost his job,my Mom could be sending me to public school and so on. Realizing how good my life really is was hard but, it is so amazing sometimesWere other times it sucks completely.
So lets get on a flighty light topic today, Hmmmm
BOYS xDD yup,Boys.Lol teenage girls think about them all the time and I'm not an exception.
My friends have so politely told me [not] that they want m to go out with this guy,even though he's my brothers age [yuck]. So he's cute,his last name rules and he can make me laugh. But, really I don't like him like that. Also I'm afraid of getting into another Derrick or David situation. I don't want my heart broken again,even though it's impossible to break something that's not fixed yet. Ugh and the thought of kissing anyone makes me gag. I mean ick really? Call me immature but, would you want some guys tongue in your mouth? Sure I've dreamt about that perfect first kiss but, who really ever gets a perfect first kiss? Zach is nice and sweet,well to me at least, but I'm just not ready for any of that. No I most likely wouldn't turn him down if he asked me out but, I wouldn't ask him. So there you are,my one reader. The answer to your question,I don't like him all that much. Even though my IM status at the moment is 'If you asked me if I loved him,I'd lie' it's just from a song and doesn't mean anything.
CAN"T WAIT FOR DNOW. I'm so ready for a spiritual awakening and I'm ready to do something about it this time.
Dinner time is near so,Pip Pip cherrio xD
Aurora
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
I love you is that okay?
Nope,I know what your thinking this is absolutely NOT about boys,nor will I tell a boy in the near future that I love him[Other than my Dad,brother and Dog cause..they don't count]
This song has been on my mind lately 'These Words'-Natasha beddingfield
As well as 'Scream' Tokio Hotel, Crazy Mary'-Fm static and Low Day-Capra.
Though I'm not sure why. These songs have absolutely nothing in common,Ones harder rock,ones a love song and the other is Jazz-y. I think maybe it's just because these songs describe my life at the moment.
These words is all about L-O-V-E
These words are my own
From my heart flow
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you
There's no other way
To better say
I love you, I love you...
Scream is a song of Empowerment,Just scream if you mean it!
You get up and somebody tells you where to go to
When you get there everybody's telling you what to do
Thank you, it's been another bloody Monday
And no one is asking what you wanted anyway
Scream, 'til you feel it
Scream, 'til you believe it
Scream, and when it hurts you
Scream it out loud
Scream, 'til you feel it
Scream, 'til you believe it
Scream, and when it hurts you
Scream it out loud
Crazy Mary is about how this guy sees this girl everyday and all he wants to do is help her but,he doesn't know how.
Crazy Mary is a slow girl who looks up to no one.
Would do anything for a cold one.
Wishes she could find her way home.
Got the look on her face and the stare of a ray gun.
We walked by everyday
and I wish there was something I could do for her.
Maybe if I took a little time to talk then she'd heal a little if she wants to.
She can run but let's teach her how to walk away now.
I'll shake a little if she wants to she'll laugh a little if she needs to.
There's a key to the door that she's hiding behind.
She watches the world pass her by like a freight train.
They all call her the same name.
Laughin' as they point and stare at her.
So she crys out to God up in Heaven,
been prayin since she was 11.
For Him to send someone to meet her there.
Maybe if I took a little time to talk then she'd heal a little if she wants to.
She can run but let's teach her how to walk away now.
I'll shake a little if she wants to she'll laugh a little if she needs to.
There's a key to the door that she's hiding behind.
Low day is just a song about being free and happy,even on a bad day
Red, Blue, Green lights,
Flicker undercover,
Miss me like no other,
Miss me like no other,
Black cat trailblazing,
Jokin' underwater,
Miss me like no other,
Miss me like no other,
We get a little lonesome,
We get a little lone sometimes,
And what you say, just fades away,
Get down on lowday,
Get down on lowday,
Low, low, low, low,low,
Low, low, low, low,low,
Low, low, low, low,low,
Funny how all these songs combined kinda portrays whats going on in my head,with some help from Haters-Glee ,Don't rain on my parade-Glee and Defying gravity-Also Glee xD and maybe Taking chances -MORE GLEEEEE.
'These words,Mary.Scream on a low day. Taking chances defying gravity,so don't rain Haters'
[Yes I know that was extremely lameee XD]
So yeah,that's about it
Aurora
This song has been on my mind lately 'These Words'-Natasha beddingfield
As well as 'Scream' Tokio Hotel, Crazy Mary'-Fm static and Low Day-Capra.
Though I'm not sure why. These songs have absolutely nothing in common,Ones harder rock,ones a love song and the other is Jazz-y. I think maybe it's just because these songs describe my life at the moment.
These words is all about L-O-V-E
These words are my own
From my heart flow
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you
There's no other way
To better say
I love you, I love you...
Scream is a song of Empowerment,Just scream if you mean it!
You get up and somebody tells you where to go to
When you get there everybody's telling you what to do
Thank you, it's been another bloody Monday
And no one is asking what you wanted anyway
Scream, 'til you feel it
Scream, 'til you believe it
Scream, and when it hurts you
Scream it out loud
Scream, 'til you feel it
Scream, 'til you believe it
Scream, and when it hurts you
Scream it out loud
Crazy Mary is about how this guy sees this girl everyday and all he wants to do is help her but,he doesn't know how.
Crazy Mary is a slow girl who looks up to no one.
Would do anything for a cold one.
Wishes she could find her way home.
Got the look on her face and the stare of a ray gun.
We walked by everyday
and I wish there was something I could do for her.
Maybe if I took a little time to talk then she'd heal a little if she wants to.
She can run but let's teach her how to walk away now.
I'll shake a little if she wants to she'll laugh a little if she needs to.
There's a key to the door that she's hiding behind.
She watches the world pass her by like a freight train.
They all call her the same name.
Laughin' as they point and stare at her.
So she crys out to God up in Heaven,
been prayin since she was 11.
For Him to send someone to meet her there.
Maybe if I took a little time to talk then she'd heal a little if she wants to.
She can run but let's teach her how to walk away now.
I'll shake a little if she wants to she'll laugh a little if she needs to.
There's a key to the door that she's hiding behind.
Low day is just a song about being free and happy,even on a bad day
Red, Blue, Green lights,
Flicker undercover,
Miss me like no other,
Miss me like no other,
Black cat trailblazing,
Jokin' underwater,
Miss me like no other,
Miss me like no other,
We get a little lonesome,
We get a little lone sometimes,
And what you say, just fades away,
Get down on lowday,
Get down on lowday,
Low, low, low, low,low,
Low, low, low, low,low,
Low, low, low, low,low,
Funny how all these songs combined kinda portrays whats going on in my head,with some help from Haters-Glee ,Don't rain on my parade-Glee and Defying gravity-Also Glee xD and maybe Taking chances -MORE GLEEEEE.
'These words,Mary.Scream on a low day. Taking chances defying gravity,so don't rain Haters'
[Yes I know that was extremely lameee XD]
So yeah,that's about it
Aurora
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