I just wanted to tell you that the message this week really hit home. I realized that I have been hiding behind a happy mask this whole time. I'm trying to get help for things but, I have no idea where to start. I feel like my whole world crashed down around me a few years ago and I'm not sure how to pick it up. I was just a kid when my little brother passed away,I just wasn't sure how to deal with it so I became the strong one and didn't let my feelings show. The whole time he was here I didn't know how to be around him,it's scared me..his disease scared me. So I ran at every possible second and now I regret at least half of my life. I'm not sure how to re-start things with God...I've been to so many different church events but it all really hit me at Supersummer last year and I didn't do anything about it. It hit me again last weekend and I'd really like to get some help with growing closer to God. Victoria and I talk a lot but, I'm not really sure how much more she can help me. I'm afraid to approach you in person and talk about these things,though I don't know why. I feel as if maybe I'm trying to be the strong happy person all over again,even though I'm broken inside. My family really doesn't understand my trust issues with God and everyone else says that it'll 'Make me a stronger person' but,when? When does everything start being actually good and happy again?I know I'm laying a crap load at your feet and I'm sorry,I just don't know where else to turn. I've had issues with letting my feelings out...hence the e-mail.
Again,sorry for dumping this on you but, it was a last resort..
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Don’t ever feel as though you need to apologize for being real. Ever. It is my honor to walk beside you through good times and bad times. I am so sorry that you are struggling with all of this. God wants you to draw near to Him. The reality is that sometimes in our lives that is a very difficult thing to do. I believe that God is very aware of how difficult it can be. He understands that we wrestle with things like loss and regret. He wants to heal our hurts and give us a new life of joy in him. I think your struggle with how to connect with God is honest and the very fact that you desire to come to Him despite some very troubled times in your life, speaks to the godly quality of your heart.
When we are scared, we act in fear. It is natural. When we are young we do not always understand what is happening when tragedy strikes. What you perceive as avoiding your brother was the way you could cope with the knowledge that you would lose him from your life. God wants you to release your guilt for that. You loved your brother. That is clear. Satan wants to attack you and make you feel like you were heartless for not spending more time with your brother. The truth is you were a scared little girl dealing with a very violent illness that was taking someone you love away. The loss of your brother did crash your world down. It would do that to anyone. What you have lived through at such a young age is so much more than your peers. It has made you more mature. It has caused you to reexamine your own life. That is not typical of most teens. God wants to help you move beyond the lies of inadequacy that Satan is hurling at you. Don’t live in the regret of what you think you could have done differently. Your response was completely appropriate. You were afraid. Even in the midst of that pain and frightfulness, God was there with you.
It is also normal to have trust issues with God. There are probably a lot of questions you have for God as you consider your brother’s life. It is okay to question His plan. He is a big enough God to let you have questions and still love you. It is really hard to understand why God does the things He does. In the end, we cling to the promises in His Word that He has a good plan for us. He never promises that it is a plan of constant happiness. Some of the giants of faith in the Old Testament lived through horrible things. Some of them even had major trust issues with God. But your loving Heavenly Father is patiently waiting for you. He wants to hold you and sing over you and give you peace and help you to trust Him. I believe God wants me to share a passage from Psalms with you. It is Psalm 34:15-22. It says:
The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous
and his ears toward their cry.
The face of the Lord is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.
When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears
and delivers them out of all their troubles.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.
Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
but the Lord delivers him out of them all.
He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.
Affliction will slay the wicked,
and those who hate the righteous will be condemned.
The Lord redeems the life of his servants;
none of those who take refuge in him will be condemned.
Kara, not only did your life come crashing down when your brother passed away but your heart broke. God is near to you. His Word promises that. He loves you. He wants you to leave the lies Satan is telling you about yourself behind. He is not condemning you. He loves you. He wants you to see yourself as He sees you. In his view you are not a girl who let her brother down when he needed her. You are not a girl who chose to hide when she should have spent more time with the one she loved. He sees you as you are in Him. A wonderful creation. A beautiful young lady whom He died for. He sees the real Kara in a way no one else can, and He loves her and wants to be close with her. He wants you to leave the regret of the past behind you and fall into His comforting arms and heal from your broken heart. He does promise to heal the broken hearted and bind up their wounds.
I would suggest that you begin to pray deeply. Tell God exactly how you feel. Be completely honest with Him. He can take it. Pour out your broken heart to Him. He wants to hear from you. He is waiting to comfort you. He is waiting for you to ask Him to forgive you. He is waiting for you to let go of the hurt and pain and to forgive yourself as well.
Then take time to really read His Word. I can give you some comforting passages if you would like. I think it is important for you to embrace His comfort and love for you right now. Jesus said that he wants us to come to him when we are tired and he will give us rest. He wants us to cast all our cares on Him. I think the first step you need to take is having a long, honest conversation with Him.
Kendra and I love you. We will love you no matter what is under your mask. We want to be here for you. Please don’t ever feel like you are being annoying or loading us down with your very real concerns. We are in your life so that you can come to us and be the real Kara anytime.
If you need to talk, feel free to call. Please don’t feel like you cannot come to me face to face. I am here to help you. I am here to listen if you need me to listen and here to talk when you need to talk. God wants to reconnect with you and I can sense your true heart’s desire is for the same. Spend time telling Him why it is hard for you and let Him know your desire to return to Him with your whole heart. We love you and are praying for you.
God’s Blessings,
Jasper
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These two letters might have changed my life forever. I may not have the courage to tell my Youth Pastor that but,They have. I feel like I'm ready to live a more fulfilling life. I'm ready to live for Christ. I'm ready to let my pain break the mask on the outside,my shell will tumble to my feet and I will be alive. No longer I'm I inside a shell,my prison cell [THANK YOU SWITCHFOOT] I'M MORE ALIVE THEN EVER BEFORE. And for that I thank Jasper and Victoria and so many others. I'm so happy to be myself for once. I'm no longer going to be my happy hyper shell when I just can't push it anymore. If I'm feeling sad,I'll act that way. Same for happy and depressed and angry and everything else. I AM ME! I AM BEAUTIFUL AND I AM GOD'S CHILD. I will try not to be ashamed of who I am and What I look like. So I may have a bit of a pudge and my face and chest aren't perfect but, who is? Who doesn't have things they don't like about themselves. I will try to be proud of my faults,for they make me different. If guys have a problem with me,then whatever. I'm not changing myself for them.
I'm empowered and ready to go,hand me a Bible and a twenty-four pack of Code Red Mountain Dew and release me on this world. Oh yes you might be scared,I might be too. But I AM READY! I am so ready for the mission trip this summer.I'm ready to share this light with others,I'm ready to help others.
For so long I've focused on my stuff that I haven't even seen that my Best friend was hurting so deeply. I'm sorry I didn't notice,sorry I didn't ask,sorry that I can't help. Sorry that Satan has rested this on your back,sorry that God hasn't lifted it. Sorry I haven't been there for you,sorry for all the mean things I might've said,sorry for the scars that mark your arms as well as the ones on the inside. Sorry for not helping you stop. I love you and I'm sorry.
So release me on this world
No turning back now
For the time is right
and I'm going to fight
This battle WILL be won
My fate has already begun
God pushing me forward
Friends and family at my sides
For he is the King
And All should know
That this light within me
Is His,ergo
Sharing it is my 'Thank you'
This light will cross the world
I'm empowered,Strengthened
My Heart was broken before
Now it's repairing itself
With the light that's shining within me
He is helping me
There will be more tears
Maybe of Joy,not sorrow
Possible both
But,lets find out
Lets just wing this
Lets go.
My failing attempt at poetry,But whatever. Hope you enjoyed this look into my brain.
Peaces my Homie
Kara =P
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