One foot wrong and you'll have to love me when I'm gone

Hey there
So yeah I haven't posted in a while and I thought I should.Though I really don't know what to talk about.
Hmmmmm Shall I start with last weekend? I think I shall.
So last weekend was this AMAZING battle of the bands..though...it wasn't really a battle... But it was awesome! I had sooo much fun and it felt good just to dance around and forget everything for a little bit.
Not that I'm saying that I don't feel like amazing already.But I feel like I'm at the edge though,one wrong step and I'll fall back into what I've been trying to keep away. One small pebble is all it would take to knock me off my balance and send me into the abyss of heartache and pain that God just pulled me out of. Sure,it's still there..but it doesn't hurt as much. It's like a cut that hasn't quite healed,sure it's still there and I can see it but the soap doesn't make it sting anymore.
There have been nights before that I've been like 'Screw this', but I ignored the little person in my head . The one that tells me I'm not pretty enough or worth anything.The voice that brought me to all of this in the first place. The one who told me it was all my fault and if I had been around more maybe he wouldn't have died. But I realized none of this is my fault..It's not my fault God has a plan for me that involved my brother dieing. No matter how much that hurts me..think of how much it hurts Him everyday to see the pain writhing inside of me. That pain that will always be there no matter how much fake-happiness I drown it in.

As I've said before.....there's this guy. He makes me so happy but,I can't help thinking that maybe this isn't right.Maybe I'm to young or God doesn't want any of this to be going on.But.....he planned it right? If he hadn't would it be happening? I don't think so. I guess it's just that I really can't stand to feel the hurt that comes with someone leaving but, if I just leave this, abandon it like the last few crumbs in a bag of chips.I'll never know what would've happened and I guess the pain is worth the price of seeing this through. Because I think he may be good for me. We definitely fit together. So many things we have in common but,what is he hiding? What am I hiding from him? I told him one of my secrets and I'm really not ready to let the world know about the other.No,I'm not afraid that the world will think I'm a mental case [anymore]. I just have problems telling people about MY problems. I want to be the person everyone talks too,not the person with all the trouble in her life. I really don't like to show weakness,it's a nasty habit of mine because really...who wants a girl that can't show a bit of sadness sometimes? On the outside I try to be happy-go-lucky tough-as-nails girl but inside..I'm crying like a kid who just lost track of her parents in a crowded place.

I guess we'll see how it plays out,huh folks? I wish life was less crazy,more understandable. But I guess it wouldn't be life worth living without a little chaos.