God is crazy about you. He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning. Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen. He can live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart. He is always right here with you, no matter who you are, no matter where you've been, no matter what your circumstance. He promises to always love you. And God never breaks a promise.
This Truly made my day. I think it makes me feel wanted again. I Know he loves me and all,but this reminder helped a lot. THANKS MRS.IRIS!!
Friday, June 4, 2010
Monday, May 31, 2010
I tried to be perfect,I tried to be honest,I tried to be everything you ever wanted.
So yeah. My parents made me feel like absolute crap today.
I'm SO SICK of them telling me to be like my brother. It's like he's their freaking golden child and I was the mistake. Apparently I'm useless and worthless because that's ALL they ever talk about. How Jake does SOOOO much more and he has a job and he goes to work and he's the fricken king or the fricken world while I'm just a lazy ass [excuse my french] without a goal for my life. They probably think I'll end up in their basement the rest of my life. When they talk to their friends it's Always about Jake,Jake this,Jake that. No I don't blame my brother for this,he's a great guy and he does a lot of good things but FOR REAL my parents need to learn how to treat their middle child.Cause they make me feel like dirt. They make me feel like I'm not worth their time,which makes me think about other things that I really don't need to be thinking about. Like,would they really miss me if I was gone? Would they even care?I really don't think so.
Okay,so they aren't HORRIBLE. They do a LOT of nice things for me. But when they strike blows,it's not just a flesh wound. It digs deep and sting and burns like nobodies business. There are always scars left and their words replay in my head over and over until I go insane. Yeah I know I can be stupid sometimes,but that's kinda my job. I'm here to learn,dear Parental units, I'm here to make mistakes and learn from them. Not have you tell me what a stupid ass I am and how I'll never get a job or pay for a car or get into college or start a family or anything. I'm so sick of being torn down by MY OWN FAMILY. You're supposed to love me but, all I hear are insults pounding in my ears.I'm not saying that you put the razor in my hands,I'm saying you put the thoughts in my head in the first place. The self worthlessness,the hatred of my being. I should love being who I am around you but, you make me feel stupid,family, you make me feel like a nerd in the worst possible way. No I'm not adorable,I'm just silly or need to grow up.Do you have any idea how much self-hatred it takes to put that thought into someones head? I do. And then you make fun of cutting in front of me,I know you don't know but,parents,some people really DO hurt like that,I really hurt like that. So lastly dear,family. I need you to understand how much you make me hurt sometimes and how much other people hurt all the times. Those other people that burn,cut and other horrible things. It's because people make them feel worthless,like you do me. Be lucky,parental units, that I have wonderful friends that build me up,that I have a God that helps me when I'm hurt. Because I feel as though I would be dead right now without them ad if you ever read this.You'd think I was being overly dramatic. Because..you don't understand.
~Aurora
I'm SO SICK of them telling me to be like my brother. It's like he's their freaking golden child and I was the mistake. Apparently I'm useless and worthless because that's ALL they ever talk about. How Jake does SOOOO much more and he has a job and he goes to work and he's the fricken king or the fricken world while I'm just a lazy ass [excuse my french] without a goal for my life. They probably think I'll end up in their basement the rest of my life. When they talk to their friends it's Always about Jake,Jake this,Jake that. No I don't blame my brother for this,he's a great guy and he does a lot of good things but FOR REAL my parents need to learn how to treat their middle child.Cause they make me feel like dirt. They make me feel like I'm not worth their time,which makes me think about other things that I really don't need to be thinking about. Like,would they really miss me if I was gone? Would they even care?I really don't think so.
Okay,so they aren't HORRIBLE. They do a LOT of nice things for me. But when they strike blows,it's not just a flesh wound. It digs deep and sting and burns like nobodies business. There are always scars left and their words replay in my head over and over until I go insane. Yeah I know I can be stupid sometimes,but that's kinda my job. I'm here to learn,dear Parental units, I'm here to make mistakes and learn from them. Not have you tell me what a stupid ass I am and how I'll never get a job or pay for a car or get into college or start a family or anything. I'm so sick of being torn down by MY OWN FAMILY. You're supposed to love me but, all I hear are insults pounding in my ears.I'm not saying that you put the razor in my hands,I'm saying you put the thoughts in my head in the first place. The self worthlessness,the hatred of my being. I should love being who I am around you but, you make me feel stupid,family, you make me feel like a nerd in the worst possible way. No I'm not adorable,I'm just silly or need to grow up.Do you have any idea how much self-hatred it takes to put that thought into someones head? I do. And then you make fun of cutting in front of me,I know you don't know but,parents,some people really DO hurt like that,I really hurt like that. So lastly dear,family. I need you to understand how much you make me hurt sometimes and how much other people hurt all the times. Those other people that burn,cut and other horrible things. It's because people make them feel worthless,like you do me. Be lucky,parental units, that I have wonderful friends that build me up,that I have a God that helps me when I'm hurt. Because I feel as though I would be dead right now without them ad if you ever read this.You'd think I was being overly dramatic. Because..you don't understand.
~Aurora
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Love me love me,say that you love me
I hav a new found love for techno and a new found song for my life at the moment. All because of one band
La roux.
They're freaking amazing. Elly Jackson has a voice and imagination like no other and her partner in crime Ben Langmaid has an amazing taste for beats.
So,Bullet proof is my song at the moment. She's basically saying,I've been hurt before,by you and others. But this time I'll be bullet proof. I won't let you hurt me. I'll be my on person.
The duos songs are inspiring and catchy. I can't wait to order the CD.
They have amazing style,and Elly has amazing hair. I can't wait to see more form them =3
YAY FOR HAPPINESS
Aurora
La roux.
They're freaking amazing. Elly Jackson has a voice and imagination like no other and her partner in crime Ben Langmaid has an amazing taste for beats.
So,Bullet proof is my song at the moment. She's basically saying,I've been hurt before,by you and others. But this time I'll be bullet proof. I won't let you hurt me. I'll be my on person.
The duos songs are inspiring and catchy. I can't wait to order the CD.
They have amazing style,and Elly has amazing hair. I can't wait to see more form them =3
YAY FOR HAPPINESS
Aurora
Saturday, May 15, 2010
We should get Jerseys cause we make a great team,though yours would look better than mine cause you're outta my league
Amazing..How one person can distract you from everything. How one person can make you feel this wanted. But yet you still feel unwanted and maybe a bit alone. Sure you get all this attention and you really think he wants to be around you and such but, you still feel a bit empty. Yes,empty. Sure Ive been working on my God stuff and it's going pretty well but,emptiness is still what I feel when I'm not with my friends...or him. I also feel really mean when I leave my small group of friends to talk to him. I still love them and want to be around them,it's just he draws me away somehow. He's magic or something,or maybe it's hormones or whatever.I think he may deserve better though,He doesn't really need all this crap that a relationship with me would pile on him.
I feel good most days but,my bad days are HORRIBLE it's like being the walking dead,except dead people can't intentionally hurt themselves and then not have it noticed by family. It's not like it's invisible the wounds are there,my family just chooses not to see them,chooses not to ask how it happened. It hurt. Yes the act of doing it but more so the people so close to me that I see them every morning noon and night,not noticing or not caring enough to ask. Yeah sure I would lie about it but still.....I want them to care.
Now I realize what I just told you,now I realize the disappointment that must be seething through you,the anger or the sadness maybe even a little pain of your own. God probably feels the same way,maybe I'm the cause of all this rain,maybe he's crying and yelling at me to stop doing this to myself.To tell you the truth,I was almost screaming at myself to stop. My knees went weak and I was sobbing.But,I convinced myself it was the only way. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm not perky,I'm not happy,I'm not this hyper person all the time. I'm not perfect and for this I apologize.Because you deserve perfection,the perfection I can't give you.
I feel good most days but,my bad days are HORRIBLE it's like being the walking dead,except dead people can't intentionally hurt themselves and then not have it noticed by family. It's not like it's invisible the wounds are there,my family just chooses not to see them,chooses not to ask how it happened. It hurt. Yes the act of doing it but more so the people so close to me that I see them every morning noon and night,not noticing or not caring enough to ask. Yeah sure I would lie about it but still.....I want them to care.
Now I realize what I just told you,now I realize the disappointment that must be seething through you,the anger or the sadness maybe even a little pain of your own. God probably feels the same way,maybe I'm the cause of all this rain,maybe he's crying and yelling at me to stop doing this to myself.To tell you the truth,I was almost screaming at myself to stop. My knees went weak and I was sobbing.But,I convinced myself it was the only way. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm not perky,I'm not happy,I'm not this hyper person all the time. I'm not perfect and for this I apologize.Because you deserve perfection,the perfection I can't give you.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
One foot wrong and you'll have to love me when I'm gone
Hey there
So yeah I haven't posted in a while and I thought I should.Though I really don't know what to talk about.
Hmmmmm Shall I start with last weekend? I think I shall.
So last weekend was this AMAZING battle of the bands..though...it wasn't really a battle... But it was awesome! I had sooo much fun and it felt good just to dance around and forget everything for a little bit.
Not that I'm saying that I don't feel like amazing already.But I feel like I'm at the edge though,one wrong step and I'll fall back into what I've been trying to keep away. One small pebble is all it would take to knock me off my balance and send me into the abyss of heartache and pain that God just pulled me out of. Sure,it's still there..but it doesn't hurt as much. It's like a cut that hasn't quite healed,sure it's still there and I can see it but the soap doesn't make it sting anymore.
There have been nights before that I've been like 'Screw this', but I ignored the little person in my head . The one that tells me I'm not pretty enough or worth anything.The voice that brought me to all of this in the first place. The one who told me it was all my fault and if I had been around more maybe he wouldn't have died. But I realized none of this is my fault..It's not my fault God has a plan for me that involved my brother dieing. No matter how much that hurts me..think of how much it hurts Him everyday to see the pain writhing inside of me. That pain that will always be there no matter how much fake-happiness I drown it in.
As I've said before.....there's this guy. He makes me so happy but,I can't help thinking that maybe this isn't right.Maybe I'm to young or God doesn't want any of this to be going on.But.....he planned it right? If he hadn't would it be happening? I don't think so. I guess it's just that I really can't stand to feel the hurt that comes with someone leaving but, if I just leave this, abandon it like the last few crumbs in a bag of chips.I'll never know what would've happened and I guess the pain is worth the price of seeing this through. Because I think he may be good for me. We definitely fit together. So many things we have in common but,what is he hiding? What am I hiding from him? I told him one of my secrets and I'm really not ready to let the world know about the other.No,I'm not afraid that the world will think I'm a mental case [anymore]. I just have problems telling people about MY problems. I want to be the person everyone talks too,not the person with all the trouble in her life. I really don't like to show weakness,it's a nasty habit of mine because really...who wants a girl that can't show a bit of sadness sometimes? On the outside I try to be happy-go-lucky tough-as-nails girl but inside..I'm crying like a kid who just lost track of her parents in a crowded place.
I guess we'll see how it plays out,huh folks? I wish life was less crazy,more understandable. But I guess it wouldn't be life worth living without a little chaos.
So yeah I haven't posted in a while and I thought I should.Though I really don't know what to talk about.
Hmmmmm Shall I start with last weekend? I think I shall.
So last weekend was this AMAZING battle of the bands..though...it wasn't really a battle... But it was awesome! I had sooo much fun and it felt good just to dance around and forget everything for a little bit.
Not that I'm saying that I don't feel like amazing already.But I feel like I'm at the edge though,one wrong step and I'll fall back into what I've been trying to keep away. One small pebble is all it would take to knock me off my balance and send me into the abyss of heartache and pain that God just pulled me out of. Sure,it's still there..but it doesn't hurt as much. It's like a cut that hasn't quite healed,sure it's still there and I can see it but the soap doesn't make it sting anymore.
There have been nights before that I've been like 'Screw this', but I ignored the little person in my head . The one that tells me I'm not pretty enough or worth anything.The voice that brought me to all of this in the first place. The one who told me it was all my fault and if I had been around more maybe he wouldn't have died. But I realized none of this is my fault..It's not my fault God has a plan for me that involved my brother dieing. No matter how much that hurts me..think of how much it hurts Him everyday to see the pain writhing inside of me. That pain that will always be there no matter how much fake-happiness I drown it in.
As I've said before.....there's this guy. He makes me so happy but,I can't help thinking that maybe this isn't right.Maybe I'm to young or God doesn't want any of this to be going on.But.....he planned it right? If he hadn't would it be happening? I don't think so. I guess it's just that I really can't stand to feel the hurt that comes with someone leaving but, if I just leave this, abandon it like the last few crumbs in a bag of chips.I'll never know what would've happened and I guess the pain is worth the price of seeing this through. Because I think he may be good for me. We definitely fit together. So many things we have in common but,what is he hiding? What am I hiding from him? I told him one of my secrets and I'm really not ready to let the world know about the other.No,I'm not afraid that the world will think I'm a mental case [anymore]. I just have problems telling people about MY problems. I want to be the person everyone talks too,not the person with all the trouble in her life. I really don't like to show weakness,it's a nasty habit of mine because really...who wants a girl that can't show a bit of sadness sometimes? On the outside I try to be happy-go-lucky tough-as-nails girl but inside..I'm crying like a kid who just lost track of her parents in a crowded place.
I guess we'll see how it plays out,huh folks? I wish life was less crazy,more understandable. But I guess it wouldn't be life worth living without a little chaos.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Have you ever thrown a fist-full of Glitter in the air?
So right now I'm going to crack open my head and let you see what's on the inside,believe me you might not want to read on =O
So this past Saturday was like the best day ever. I got to see my friends from church in the morning [Mission trip pancake thingy] and the got to a Lacrosse game[GO HALEIGH!] I didn't understand what was going on at all. And to put a proverbial 'Cherry on top' I got to Ruggerfest and see Zach play rugby [for like five seconds but whatever] and we talked for a really long time. I didn't think he'd want to talk to me in front of his friends but he did and it made me all happy. Justin was there too,they were both pretty surprised that we showed up.
Rugby is fierce and kinda scary,but so much fun to watch. The were like taking each other and running around,it was all very exciting. I don't think I'll ever be able to go to a boring old football game ever again.
I wish I had the guts to just sit down and tell Zach about my brother. It's just too weird that we were in the same kind of situation. His brother lived but,he knows what I went through.Theres just a really weird connection that I can't let go,I just need to tell him. But, everytime I play it out in my head I sound stupid and I'm afraid bringing it up will bring back bad memories for him...I really don't want to do that. I guess I'll just have to see how it all plays out tomorrow,let's hope it goes well.
And oh gosh,I almost forgot to tell you.Remember the guy I liked? Caleb..the one who never e-mailed me back cause he got a girlfriend. I just spoke to him and she's not his girlfriend at all and now he's all flirty again =P. Yeah I still want Zach a lot more but, what the heck am I supposed to do about this?
Life is alright right now,I'm still in a small state of depression,I'm still just struggling to get through each day but I think I'm getting better.Let's hope I 'm getting better. I guess the dollar bill says it best 'In God we trust' cause really He's the last thing I can trust in.
~Aurora
So this past Saturday was like the best day ever. I got to see my friends from church in the morning [Mission trip pancake thingy] and the got to a Lacrosse game[GO HALEIGH!] I didn't understand what was going on at all. And to put a proverbial 'Cherry on top' I got to Ruggerfest and see Zach play rugby [for like five seconds but whatever] and we talked for a really long time. I didn't think he'd want to talk to me in front of his friends but he did and it made me all happy. Justin was there too,they were both pretty surprised that we showed up.
Rugby is fierce and kinda scary,but so much fun to watch. The were like taking each other and running around,it was all very exciting. I don't think I'll ever be able to go to a boring old football game ever again.
I wish I had the guts to just sit down and tell Zach about my brother. It's just too weird that we were in the same kind of situation. His brother lived but,he knows what I went through.Theres just a really weird connection that I can't let go,I just need to tell him. But, everytime I play it out in my head I sound stupid and I'm afraid bringing it up will bring back bad memories for him...I really don't want to do that. I guess I'll just have to see how it all plays out tomorrow,let's hope it goes well.
And oh gosh,I almost forgot to tell you.Remember the guy I liked? Caleb..the one who never e-mailed me back cause he got a girlfriend. I just spoke to him and she's not his girlfriend at all and now he's all flirty again =P. Yeah I still want Zach a lot more but, what the heck am I supposed to do about this?
Life is alright right now,I'm still in a small state of depression,I'm still just struggling to get through each day but I think I'm getting better.Let's hope I 'm getting better. I guess the dollar bill says it best 'In God we trust' cause really He's the last thing I can trust in.
~Aurora
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Speechless,Breathless.
I'm scared
I'm scared I'm falling back in it again
I'm scared I'm going to be swallowed whole again
I'm scared of trying
I'm scared of failing
I'm scared of myself
I'm back to day two,literally.
No more day counting for me.
I'm trying to be strong and
I'm getting help but, it still seems like no one really understands.
I need rain,I need to sit in the rain and cry while it pours down,until I can feel it on the inside.
I'm tired of being afraid
I'm tired of feeling unloved and unwanted
I'm tired of feeling ugly
I'm tired of feeling useless
I'm tired of silently screaming
I'm tired of not being able to tell my closest friends the truth
I'm scared of What he'll think of me if he finds out I have problems
I'm scared of not being myself
I need help,I need help.
I scared myself last night,I wrote a poem about it and cried and cried. I have nicks on my wrist and I'm afraid for you to find out.Don't be disappointed,please.
I'm scared I'm falling back in it again
I'm scared I'm going to be swallowed whole again
I'm scared of trying
I'm scared of failing
I'm scared of myself
I'm back to day two,literally.
No more day counting for me.
I'm trying to be strong and
I'm getting help but, it still seems like no one really understands.
I need rain,I need to sit in the rain and cry while it pours down,until I can feel it on the inside.
I'm tired of being afraid
I'm tired of feeling unloved and unwanted
I'm tired of feeling ugly
I'm tired of feeling useless
I'm tired of silently screaming
I'm tired of not being able to tell my closest friends the truth
I'm scared of What he'll think of me if he finds out I have problems
I'm scared of not being myself
I need help,I need help.
I scared myself last night,I wrote a poem about it and cried and cried. I have nicks on my wrist and I'm afraid for you to find out.Don't be disappointed,please.
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