So yeah, latley I've been in this state of almost sleep walking,not really enjoying to much but not hating anything either. Really the only song that comes to mind is 'Falling isiden the black' by Skillet. I'm not sure why though... I've just been dealing with some things right now,not really serious things but just normal teenagery junk like guys and stuff. I also haven't been able to get sleep AT ALL. None,Zip,Nadda. Even If I do sleep a long time I still wake up tired and groggy. And again I'm still having trouble with God and finding out who my real friends are. There's a war going on between my Best friends cousin and my other good friend. I feel so in the middle of it and I bawled my eyes out tonight. I'm definitely taking my BfF's cousin's side,but I'm just so angry at my good friend. I told her EVERYTHING and then she goes and blows up in my face,she won't talk to me and I just can't take it. I have to tell someone,it's totally disrupting what youth group is supposed to be and I'm SICK of it. I just can't take all of this anymore.
On a lighter note I have a dance coming up and I'm SOOOOOOOO excited,though I'm nervous about guys asking me to dance and vice versa but, overall I think I'm going to have an excellent time.
That's a piece of my brain for now,
Aurora
Friday, December 18, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Simple things make a Difference
So today my mom and I were driving to a funeral for my Grandma's,Friends Mom. It was cloudy and gray in front of us but as I looked behind the sun was shining. I wasn't having the best day so the made my heart warm a bit. But then as we were still driving we saw a rainbow large and breath taking. Every color could be seen clearly as well as the whole rainbow itself. 'Like a giant colored in Arch' I said with a smile. It truly made my day and I just wanted to share that so..
Peaces my loves,
Aurora
Peaces my loves,
Aurora
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Guilty as Charged
Have you ever felt that the things you seem to be crying about lately aren't really what you should be crying about?
What about when your crying about what a boy made you feel like and then you realize that you didn't even cry this much at your brothers funeral.
Right then is when I realized I had been really stupid for crying over this boy that I really liked (and still like)
I realize why I still can't let go,why I can't just cry about Jonah once and move down the right path.
I feel guilty.
Guilty for running from the house at a seconds notice. Guilty for waiting until a few hours before I went to bed on the night he died to start reading to him. Every childrens book in the house, From DR.Seuss to Toot and Puddle. I never wanted to hold him, I was scared I would hurt him. I was afraid of losing him,afraid of his disease that I didn't spend enough time with him. I wish I could go back and do it all over again. I would spend as much time as possible with him. I would love on him and hold him and never let him go.
The truth is that I can't.I can't go back and do it over. I can't let go of this and go in the right direction 'cause I don't know if he knew how much I loved him. I still love him so much I still pray for God to give him back to us. And those things people say about 'Ask and you shall receive' well I asked every night for God to heal him and nothing happened. I'm still upset with God I mean he gives others so much but, he couldn't heal my brother.
I still have problems telling people about him. I'm afraid of wait they'll think which is so selfish of me to even think that. I was thinking of ME when he was still here and now I'm still thinking of ME ME ME ME ME ME ME! I can't stand myself sometimes I just want to go and kill myself. But then I would still be selfish, hurting my parent and friends.
So I call my self names and have this image of myself as being Fat,Ugly,Stupid,untalented and selfish. This image of me where no one likes me. I'm the outcast and guys think I'm a troll. Which they very well could think.
In a perfect world, Jonah would be here with the twins,my grandpas and my grandma. My relationship with God would be great and my family wouldn't be sad anymore.
But, there is no 'Perfect World',until you get to heaven, which frankly I'm not to sure I'll get to.
I would love if I could talk to a pastor or just a person about how I feel, but I can't. There is to much background and deep emotions that I don't want to let out.
My mom doesn't even understand why I have a hard time trusting God. So why should anyone else?
What about when your crying about what a boy made you feel like and then you realize that you didn't even cry this much at your brothers funeral.
Right then is when I realized I had been really stupid for crying over this boy that I really liked (and still like)
I realize why I still can't let go,why I can't just cry about Jonah once and move down the right path.
I feel guilty.
Guilty for running from the house at a seconds notice. Guilty for waiting until a few hours before I went to bed on the night he died to start reading to him. Every childrens book in the house, From DR.Seuss to Toot and Puddle. I never wanted to hold him, I was scared I would hurt him. I was afraid of losing him,afraid of his disease that I didn't spend enough time with him. I wish I could go back and do it all over again. I would spend as much time as possible with him. I would love on him and hold him and never let him go.
The truth is that I can't.I can't go back and do it over. I can't let go of this and go in the right direction 'cause I don't know if he knew how much I loved him. I still love him so much I still pray for God to give him back to us. And those things people say about 'Ask and you shall receive' well I asked every night for God to heal him and nothing happened. I'm still upset with God I mean he gives others so much but, he couldn't heal my brother.
I still have problems telling people about him. I'm afraid of wait they'll think which is so selfish of me to even think that. I was thinking of ME when he was still here and now I'm still thinking of ME ME ME ME ME ME ME! I can't stand myself sometimes I just want to go and kill myself. But then I would still be selfish, hurting my parent and friends.
So I call my self names and have this image of myself as being Fat,Ugly,Stupid,untalented and selfish. This image of me where no one likes me. I'm the outcast and guys think I'm a troll. Which they very well could think.
In a perfect world, Jonah would be here with the twins,my grandpas and my grandma. My relationship with God would be great and my family wouldn't be sad anymore.
But, there is no 'Perfect World',until you get to heaven, which frankly I'm not to sure I'll get to.
I would love if I could talk to a pastor or just a person about how I feel, but I can't. There is to much background and deep emotions that I don't want to let out.
My mom doesn't even understand why I have a hard time trusting God. So why should anyone else?
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Information overload
So I just want to let ya'll know I'm sorry if all my posts sound depressed and totally not like me at all it's just how I'm feeling right now and I'll try to write about more happy things =].
Last Wednesday I was choking back tears cuz of course our new batch of lessons at youth group is 'One month to live' I HATE talking about death. It's not a subject anyone should like it's just a little to close for comfort,you know? Anyway while the youth pastor was taling I was sitting on a couch with a few friends ( let's call them H,E, and J(BTW J is a dude)] H was on the opposite side of me E was sitting next to her and J was in between E and me. So The youth pastors talking and I'm paying attention and writing and stuff when all of a sudden J leans over with a smile on his face(Yes a smile) and asks 'Did your brother seriously die?' I almost jumped up from the chair and walked away but, I just nodded my eyes full of tears and went back to paying attetion to the sermon. I was truly hurt by these words and the smile on his face,like your brother dieing is one big fricken joke.
GRRRR. The worst part was that Victoria 'n' Jackie weren't there to talk to. = [ Maybe if one of them had been there none of it would've happened.
Now I'll have to say Al verterzane Cuz I must get some sleep b-4 church tomarrow,
~Aurora~
Last Wednesday I was choking back tears cuz of course our new batch of lessons at youth group is 'One month to live' I HATE talking about death. It's not a subject anyone should like it's just a little to close for comfort,you know? Anyway while the youth pastor was taling I was sitting on a couch with a few friends ( let's call them H,E, and J(BTW J is a dude)] H was on the opposite side of me E was sitting next to her and J was in between E and me. So The youth pastors talking and I'm paying attention and writing and stuff when all of a sudden J leans over with a smile on his face(Yes a smile) and asks 'Did your brother seriously die?' I almost jumped up from the chair and walked away but, I just nodded my eyes full of tears and went back to paying attetion to the sermon. I was truly hurt by these words and the smile on his face,like your brother dieing is one big fricken joke.
GRRRR. The worst part was that Victoria 'n' Jackie weren't there to talk to. = [ Maybe if one of them had been there none of it would've happened.
Now I'll have to say Al verterzane Cuz I must get some sleep b-4 church tomarrow,
~Aurora~
Friday, August 7, 2009
I get knocked down
Have you ever had one of those weeks were everything seems to be spining out of control and you can't seem to find the eye of the storm? Thats truly the kind of week I'm having.
MOG WOG,
At least I can see my friends this week. Although it doesn't seem like they care I'm around. I wonder if they'd notice if I stopped coming to church or if I moved to Ohio without any notice. All I need right now is to talk to someone and I can't seem to find anyone to talk to. I need to let someone know whats going on in my head so that it's out there and I can stop thinking about desperatly wanting to die so I can get rid of this pain. I Have talked to God and nothing seems to be working, I think everytime I try to talk to him he's dealing with someone else's problems and puts me on hold. I hate feeling like this, all I want to do is trade places with my younger brother right now. Let him live and me be up there so I don't have to keep going through this hurt every single day.
I Feel abandoned,not by God but, by my friends. It's as if I don't even matter anymore,and maybe I don't. I mean coming back from church I normally feel alive and awakened by something I had just learned but, last night when I came home all I wanted to do was cry and I did.
Death doesn't seem to be a bad choice right now other than the pain I'd put my family through so, of course I'm not actually going to do it. I just feel really suckish right now and If I can't talk to someone,anyone! Soon I'm going to implode.
~Aurora~
MOG WOG,
At least I can see my friends this week. Although it doesn't seem like they care I'm around. I wonder if they'd notice if I stopped coming to church or if I moved to Ohio without any notice. All I need right now is to talk to someone and I can't seem to find anyone to talk to. I need to let someone know whats going on in my head so that it's out there and I can stop thinking about desperatly wanting to die so I can get rid of this pain. I Have talked to God and nothing seems to be working, I think everytime I try to talk to him he's dealing with someone else's problems and puts me on hold. I hate feeling like this, all I want to do is trade places with my younger brother right now. Let him live and me be up there so I don't have to keep going through this hurt every single day.
I Feel abandoned,not by God but, by my friends. It's as if I don't even matter anymore,and maybe I don't. I mean coming back from church I normally feel alive and awakened by something I had just learned but, last night when I came home all I wanted to do was cry and I did.
Death doesn't seem to be a bad choice right now other than the pain I'd put my family through so, of course I'm not actually going to do it. I just feel really suckish right now and If I can't talk to someone,anyone! Soon I'm going to implode.
~Aurora~
Friday, July 31, 2009
Life..Love..and the Pusuit of happiness
So right now My brother is getting ready to go to Florida for nine days and I'm getting ready for Rock The River. I know Rock The River will be AMAZING but, I'm still kinda of scared of going downtown with my youth group..Guess I'll just have to suck it up or find a tazer XD.
So right now I guess my life could be described by the song 'Show me What I'm looking for'(Carolina Liar) 'Cause right now I'm super confused about everything and I really want some answers.
Question one, Just Why? Why? Why? why? why?
Simple enough,Right? Wrong.
I want to know most of all what God thinks of me.
Then comes the female part of me wondering what guys are thinking. I mean seriously why is everyone so scared of letting people know what they think? Though I can't really blame them I just want to know,you know?
I've started wondering about self-harm, not that I would do it just wondering if i would help. Which I have concluded to a 'NO' Cuz then I'd have my parents and brother on my back about it and stuff. But I really need some way to get this out and I HATE crying so that isn't the answer. I also find it hard talking to others about my feelings (Big surprise,Right?] So it's like I have to keep it bottled up but, I scared about what'll happen when the pressure becomes unbarable and I explode..
I have alot to think about and I'm guessing you're getting quiet bored with my rambling so I bid you adu.
Signed a very confused,
~Aurora~
So right now I guess my life could be described by the song 'Show me What I'm looking for'(Carolina Liar) 'Cause right now I'm super confused about everything and I really want some answers.
Question one, Just Why? Why? Why? why? why?
Simple enough,Right? Wrong.
I want to know most of all what God thinks of me.
Then comes the female part of me wondering what guys are thinking. I mean seriously why is everyone so scared of letting people know what they think? Though I can't really blame them I just want to know,you know?
I've started wondering about self-harm, not that I would do it just wondering if i would help. Which I have concluded to a 'NO' Cuz then I'd have my parents and brother on my back about it and stuff. But I really need some way to get this out and I HATE crying so that isn't the answer. I also find it hard talking to others about my feelings (Big surprise,Right?] So it's like I have to keep it bottled up but, I scared about what'll happen when the pressure becomes unbarable and I explode..
I have alot to think about and I'm guessing you're getting quiet bored with my rambling so I bid you adu.
Signed a very confused,
~Aurora~
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Chicken Soup for the teenage soul 2
I was reading this book today and decided to put some of the entries on here.
Gray
When I was a child
I saw in black and white.
Everything was obvious
Either wrong or right.
No arguments,no pros and cons
Choices were precise.
Pure and Joyous clarity
Gave me a simple life.
So I grew and learned to face the world
Living life that way.
And now I feel unprepared
'Cause black and white has turned Gray
MY Unfaltering vision failed
Focus left my eyes
Where choices were once obvious
I can't tell wrong from right
Because today I am a teenager
And nothings quiet so clear
I'm seeing through an adults eyes
A child's biggest fear
~Constance Ananta Sobsey
Inside
Bottled up inside
Are words I never said,
The feelings that I hide.
The lines you never read.
You can see it in my eyes,
Read it on my face:
Trapped inside are lies
Of the past I can't replace.
With memories the linger-
Won't seem to go away.
Why can't I be happier?
Today's a brand-new day.
Yesterdays are over,
Even though the hurting's not.
Nothing lasts forever,
I must cherish what I've got.
Don't take my love for granted,
For soon it will be gone-
All you ever wanted
Of the love you thought you'd won
The hurt I'm feeling now
Won't disappear overnight,
But someway,somehow,
Everything will turn out right,
No more wishing for the past
It wasn't meant to be
It didn't seem to last,
So I have to set him free.
~Melissa Collette
Well thats it for now...
~Aurora
Gray
When I was a child
I saw in black and white.
Everything was obvious
Either wrong or right.
No arguments,no pros and cons
Choices were precise.
Pure and Joyous clarity
Gave me a simple life.
So I grew and learned to face the world
Living life that way.
And now I feel unprepared
'Cause black and white has turned Gray
MY Unfaltering vision failed
Focus left my eyes
Where choices were once obvious
I can't tell wrong from right
Because today I am a teenager
And nothings quiet so clear
I'm seeing through an adults eyes
A child's biggest fear
~Constance Ananta Sobsey
Inside
Bottled up inside
Are words I never said,
The feelings that I hide.
The lines you never read.
You can see it in my eyes,
Read it on my face:
Trapped inside are lies
Of the past I can't replace.
With memories the linger-
Won't seem to go away.
Why can't I be happier?
Today's a brand-new day.
Yesterdays are over,
Even though the hurting's not.
Nothing lasts forever,
I must cherish what I've got.
Don't take my love for granted,
For soon it will be gone-
All you ever wanted
Of the love you thought you'd won
The hurt I'm feeling now
Won't disappear overnight,
But someway,somehow,
Everything will turn out right,
No more wishing for the past
It wasn't meant to be
It didn't seem to last,
So I have to set him free.
~Melissa Collette
Well thats it for now...
~Aurora
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Cock it and pull it, 'Cause frankly I suck
I just wanted to let ya'll now I SUCK. I uniintentionally hurt someone I love dearly and I feel horriable.
I re-read my last post last night through her eyes and I started to cry. How could I have been so mean? I never ment to hurt anyone and I should've seen this coming..
So I just wanted to apologize for hurting her and just let everyone know how much I suck as a friend.
I'M SO SORRY!
~Aurora~
I re-read my last post last night through her eyes and I started to cry. How could I have been so mean? I never ment to hurt anyone and I should've seen this coming..
So I just wanted to apologize for hurting her and just let everyone know how much I suck as a friend.
I'M SO SORRY!
~Aurora~
Thursday, July 16, 2009
The heart breaking truth
So as most of you have already figured out. No Aurora is NOT my real name but, I feel safer doing this anonymously.
I will tell you one thing though, if you can't handle the thoughts of a hyperactive,slightly depressed and mostly brain dead person. Please don't read on.
This blog will be about everything I've come to know and everything I can't handle keeping bottled up any more so without further or due. Welcome one and all to Aurora's Inward thoughts.
Thats it for now Cherrio,
Aurora
I will tell you one thing though, if you can't handle the thoughts of a hyperactive,slightly depressed and mostly brain dead person. Please don't read on.
This blog will be about everything I've come to know and everything I can't handle keeping bottled up any more so without further or due. Welcome one and all to Aurora's Inward thoughts.
Thats it for now Cherrio,
Aurora
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