Guilty as Charged

Have you ever felt that the things you seem to be crying about lately aren't really what you should be crying about?
What about when your crying about what a boy made you feel like and then you realize that you didn't even cry this much at your brothers funeral.
Right then is when I realized I had been really stupid for crying over this boy that I really liked (and still like)
I realize why I still can't let go,why I can't just cry about Jonah once and move down the right path.
I feel guilty.
Guilty for running from the house at a seconds notice. Guilty for waiting until a few hours before I went to bed on the night he died to start reading to him. Every childrens book in the house, From DR.Seuss to Toot and Puddle. I never wanted to hold him, I was scared I would hurt him. I was afraid of losing him,afraid of his disease that I didn't spend enough time with him. I wish I could go back and do it all over again. I would spend as much time as possible with him. I would love on him and hold him and never let him go.

The truth is that I can't.I can't go back and do it over. I can't let go of this and go in the right direction 'cause I don't know if he knew how much I loved him. I still love him so much I still pray for God to give him back to us. And those things people say about 'Ask and you shall receive' well I asked every night for God to heal him and nothing happened. I'm still upset with God I mean he gives others so much but, he couldn't heal my brother.
I still have problems telling people about him. I'm afraid of wait they'll think which is so selfish of me to even think that. I was thinking of ME when he was still here and now I'm still thinking of ME ME ME ME ME ME ME! I can't stand myself sometimes I just want to go and kill myself. But then I would still be selfish, hurting my parent and friends.
So I call my self names and have this image of myself as being Fat,Ugly,Stupid,untalented and selfish. This image of me where no one likes me. I'm the outcast and guys think I'm a troll. Which they very well could think.
In a perfect world, Jonah would be here with the twins,my grandpas and my grandma. My relationship with God would be great and my family wouldn't be sad anymore.
But, there is no 'Perfect World',until you get to heaven, which frankly I'm not to sure I'll get to.
I would love if I could talk to a pastor or just a person about how I feel, but I can't. There is to much background and deep emotions that I don't want to let out.
My mom doesn't even understand why I have a hard time trusting God. So why should anyone else?