Information overload

So I just want to let ya'll know I'm sorry if all my posts sound depressed and totally not like me at all it's just how I'm feeling right now and I'll try to write about more happy things =].

Last Wednesday I was choking back tears cuz of course our new batch of lessons at youth group is 'One month to live' I HATE talking about death. It's not a subject anyone should like it's just a little to close for comfort,you know? Anyway while the youth pastor was taling I was sitting on a couch with a few friends ( let's call them H,E, and J(BTW J is a dude)] H was on the opposite side of me E was sitting next to her and J was in between E and me. So The youth pastors talking and I'm paying attention and writing and stuff when all of a sudden J leans over with a smile on his face(Yes a smile) and asks 'Did your brother seriously die?' I almost jumped up from the chair and walked away but, I just nodded my eyes full of tears and went back to paying attetion to the sermon. I was truly hurt by these words and the smile on his face,like your brother dieing is one big fricken joke.
GRRRR. The worst part was that Victoria 'n' Jackie weren't there to talk to. = [ Maybe if one of them had been there none of it would've happened.

Now I'll have to say Al verterzane Cuz I must get some sleep b-4 church tomarrow,
~Aurora~

I get knocked down

Have you ever had one of those weeks were everything seems to be spining out of control and you can't seem to find the eye of the storm? Thats truly the kind of week I'm having.

MOG WOG,
At least I can see my friends this week. Although it doesn't seem like they care I'm around. I wonder if they'd notice if I stopped coming to church or if I moved to Ohio without any notice. All I need right now is to talk to someone and I can't seem to find anyone to talk to. I need to let someone know whats going on in my head so that it's out there and I can stop thinking about desperatly wanting to die so I can get rid of this pain. I Have talked to God and nothing seems to be working, I think everytime I try to talk to him he's dealing with someone else's problems and puts me on hold. I hate feeling like this, all I want to do is trade places with my younger brother right now. Let him live and me be up there so I don't have to keep going through this hurt every single day.

I Feel abandoned,not by God but, by my friends. It's as if I don't even matter anymore,and maybe I don't. I mean coming back from church I normally feel alive and awakened by something I had just learned but, last night when I came home all I wanted to do was cry and I did.

Death doesn't seem to be a bad choice right now other than the pain I'd put my family through so, of course I'm not actually going to do it. I just feel really suckish right now and If I can't talk to someone,anyone! Soon I'm going to implode.

~Aurora~